


Happiness

by em_etif



Series: BMC Angst One Shots [2]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: (but only for like two sentences), (the chloe thing on halloween), Angst, Depression, Heavy Angst, Insomnia, Jeremy is a struggling boy (tm), Lack of Sleep, Pills, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Talk About Unwanted/Uncomfortable touching, but its not mentioned/implied, its not boyfs but you can interperet it as it if you want, only a nIcE soLiD ReaLatIonSHiP
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-05-20 00:56:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19366993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/em_etif/pseuds/em_etif
Summary: All Jeremy can do is smile. Smile and pretend that he is ok.All Jeremy can do is make sure Michael is happy and lives out the rest of his life contently.All Jeremy can do is ignore the voices and screams that haunt him at night, telling him to do what he wants most, but ignoring them only because he doesn't want to cause even more pain than he already has in the people around him.





	Happiness

**Author's Note:**

> I've been meaning to create another one-shot lately but I just have either been to busy with another fic, or just haven't had the motivation.  
> Then I realized I hadn't listened to the Two River album in a hot second and put it on and what do I hear? Oh yes, MitB. So of course, motivation is found and I actually wrote something sksksk  
> I asked a pal for a prompt and they said happiness and I'm just 'okey.' and. This- I- I don't think this is what they meant.  
> Oh well :,)
> 
> Enjoy!

Happiness is the key to life. Ask anyone. Sure, they may say that you need to be stable to get there, or you need to find yourself first, but happiness is still going to be the denominator to living a good life. Hell, even Thomas Jefferson put it in the Declaration of Independence (even if John Locke originally wrote the phrase.. But that’s not the point). 

The problem with this commonality is that you have to  _ have _ a purpose in life in order to gain it. You have to  _ know who you are _ if you want to start growing as not only a person, but a soul, too. Going by these means, you can’t just hop on the happy bus and stay for the ride. Happiness comes at a cost. A cost in which you forget the negative thoughts and remember the good ones. But why would that be a cost? Isn't that the point? Sure, but it's hard to forget the negative thoughts when they scream at you at night while you lay awake. It's hard to forget the negative thoughts as you make your way down the street to school, or do your homework, and they lurk in the dark corners of your mind. It's hard to forget those thoughts when all you want to be is with your most favorite person in the world, but you know that you hurt that person. You hurt that person so bad that it left a scar so prominent you could never forget it. When all you can hear is static and a dull pain that sits at the base of your skull, making its way around to the front of your head on a daily basis. When that is all you can think of.

Jeremy knows people say he is forgiven. He _knows_ that people say it is ok, but in his eyes, it isn't. In his eyes, all he can see is the look on Michael's face that night as he called him a loser. The feeling of somebody else's hands touching where he really, _really_ didn't want to be touched, while having no control… no say in the matter. The sad, betrayed energy Brooke gave off at the Halloween party after Jeremy was dragged into that room with Chloe. The look of Michael’s bloody nose after he punched him when all Michael was trying to do was save him. The feeling of his body going numb and having somebody else take control.

Every day, he sees someone else he knows he hurt in some way. He sees them crystal clear, and Jeremy can't help but think that he isn't forgiven. That the person he sees is only pretending to be ok, and pretending that what happened in the past didn’t happen. That it actually scarred them, and there was nothing they could do because it was all Jeremy’s fault. But when he is finally alone at the end of the day, he is free of those thoughts, right? Wrong.

At home, sitting in his room alone with no one to comfort him-- No one who cares-- He still hears its voice. Jeremy knows he doesn’t deserve the people in his life. He  _ knows _ , so stop repeating it. He knows he's a loser, an idiot, worthless, good for nothing piece of shit who deserves to die, so stop saying it. Its voice rings louder and louder every day. Every passing second he is awake, which is nearly constant.

He doesn’t sleep. Not anymore. Even if insomnia wasn’t a bitch in the first place, it still wouldn’t matter. His thoughts grow louder and louder until he is left frozen in the corner of his room. Left all alone. Left to shake and sob and stare into space as no one hears him. As the earth near swallows him whole. Even when its voice stops lecturing him and quiets, its words bounce around in his head, reaching to the very furthest branches of his mind only to come back into thought.  _ Idiot. Loser. Worthless. Bully. Just kill yourself while you can. No one will notice. You don't deserve the people around you. You are making their lives painful to live. You are the one who everyone dreads being around. They talk about you behind your back. They all think you are annoying. You just want attention. No one actually cares. Just do it. Just end it now. _

And even when he does work up the courage to make his trip to the bathroom, he always stopped. He has plenty of old pills sitting in his cabinet. That one, supposedly ‘empty’ pill bottle he keeps hidden under the sink. A mixture of pills- from various capsules he found sitting on the floor to different antibiotics he was supposed to take when he was sick but never did because he didn’t like swallowing pills. He would hide them to make his dad think he took them. At Least if the pills didn't work, he would choke on them while trying to swallow. That was the upside of it all. The reason he would be stopped, though, is the thought of Michael.

It’s not that the thought of Michael makes him all happy and giddy inside. Well, it does, but only the idea of Michael being happy is what keeps Jeremy going. Every time he looks at Michael, he is only reminded of the pain he feels; the pain he caused. The thoughts return and scream at him, its voice lectures him and tells him to end it all. He can't, though. If he were to end his life, then Michael wouldn’t be happy. He couldn’t. Even though its voice keeps telling him Michael would be so much better without Jeremy, and even though Jeremy agrees, he still knows that it would cause Michael great pain. Michael would cry and slip into a depressed state. He wouldn’t know what to do with his life, and then start to question his own existence. Maybe even take his own life as well. That’s not what Jeremy wants. He can’t let Michael be upset. He can't let him feel anything other than happiness. He has to stay happy. With all of his thoughts, all of the reasons he comes up with not to live, Michael always finds his way out of that slump and into a happy place. Jeremy already caused him to hurt so much, and already caused Michael to become upset because of what _Jeremy_ _did_ to him

Michael deserves to be happy. Michael deserves the world. Michael deserves to forget about the past, and forget about the negative emotions. Michael deserves to live a successful life. And so, Jeremy won’t risk hurting Michael even more than he already has. Jeremy can stand by his side as he watches Michael grow. Jeremy can pretend he can't hear it yelling at him every second of the day. Jeremy can pretend that everything is fine, and blame the lack of sleep on his insomnia. He can explain to Michael that he knows it's not good to reach the point of exhaustion where you pass out, and how he already went to the doctor to be prescribed some sleeping pills. He can pretend that he isn't stashing the pills he doesn't take away along with the others, even if when he does take them, they don't work. Jeremy can pretend that everything is fine. Everything is ok, and he is the happiest person on earth. He can pretend for Michael.

He can pretend, and he will. He will keep it locked away as it eats him inside out. As he dies internally and slowly withers away. He will sit in the corner of his room, shivering and shaking and crying until he is numb, letting the shadows crawl towards him as seconds feel like hours. He will let his demons take over, let his throat go dry, let his appetite settle after eating nothing. And when the shadows turn to streaks of gold, signaling morning has finally arrived and another dreadful night has passed, Jeremy will know that he only has to do the same thing again and put on a false smile. Jeremy will take a cold shower, washing the night's tears and fears off of him. Jeremy will pretend that he is ok. 

Jeremy will pretend that he is happy.

 


End file.
